Lessons Learned as a Relief Society President

As a Relief Society president, you may feel overwhelmed by everything and everyone you need to know and the things you need to do. Magnifying your calling will be both exhausting and exhilarating. Some of the most spiritual experiences and some of my lowest moments came while I served. I know we can say this about many callings.

Being a Relief Society president of a large ward — both in numbers and in geography — was hard yet rewarding. At one time our ward had 1185 members of which 580 were Relief Society sisters. Of those, about 105 were fully participating members of the ward and another 15 I knew or at least recognized. So there were 460 sisters I knew nothing about. Luckily, we had an amazing missionary couple, Elder and Sister Boone, who found lost members and sent them to their new wards bringing the ward down to a somewhat manageable 800 or so members.  I learned a lot over four years so I thought I’d share what I learned and a few stories to go with my experiences.

Everyone is going through something

As I talked with sisters I came to know that everyone is going through something. It’s easy to see poverty, sickness, infertility, disobedient children and other family issues. It’s harder to see depression, loneliness, testimony struggles, doubts, and feelings that you’re not enough. One of the most amazing women I know is very bright, has a deep gospel knowledge and has had many spiritual experiences. Yet, she struggles with the feeling of not measuring up to her potential. Or maybe I’m wording that wrong. She feels that she isn’t enough or that Heavenly Father is not recognizing the best she offers as she raises young children day in and day out. She told me I keep praying that the Lord will consecrate my efforts and let the Holy Ghost make up the rest.  Isn’t that what we all need to do?  Work with all our might, mind, and strength and then rely on the Lord to make up the difference.

Sometimes a note or text of encouragement or a big hug goes a long way to show you are aware and that you care.

Adjusting ministering routes is no fun!

Our ward has a lot of move-outs and move-ins so there is a constant juggling of ministering routes. Sisters who have served as companions for years are reluctant to be separated yet new sisters need to be integrated into the ward. Every three months or so some changes have to be made and it is not easy. With the new ministering concept I feel that companionships and routes should be mixed up every six months or so because the goal is for everyone to know and minister to everyone. We are so lucky to have the updated ministering website with the ability to make proposed changes, get approvals, then email out assignments. Adjusting ministering routes was my least favorite thing about the calling. It seemed like every time I made changes someone would move into or out of the ward so someone complained.  I won’t miss this responsibility.

Back in the days of visiting teaching, I noticed a sister had not been visited in three or four months. So I asked her about it.  She said: No, my visiting teachers haven’t come to visit me lately. But, one watched my kids while I got my hair cut, and one dropped off a meal one day when morning sickness was pretty bad, and we’ve had a few playdates. But, no they have not visited.  I looked at her and said: I think you’ve been visit taught better than anyone else in the ward!  Visiting teaching and ministering is not about sitting on the sofa and hearing a lesson. It’s putting principles into action and doing what your sisters need.  I often referred to it as intentional contact.

There is always something more you could be doing

No matter how much you do there will always be something more you could do. One more sister to visit. One more call to make. One more sister that needs assistance. Somehow you need to forget the “to do” list and concentrate on a “must do” list. Every morning I said my beggar’s prayer asking Heavenly Father to show me who needed me that day.

When I was first called a kept a notebook of who I saw, what I did, and the miles I drove. I was amazed at the number of hours spent in service.  About 4 months into my calling I got a new car with 1800 miles on it.  Every time I added another 1000 miles I kind of freaked out. We keep our cars for about 10 years and I didn’t want to be driving a high mileage car after 5 years.  My sweet husband reminded me that it was just a car and could be replaced but the sisters in the ward needed me and my car. I quit keeping track and just served.

Ask your ministering sisters first and if they can’t help then call me back

A Relief Society President can get worn out very quickly if she overdoes it. I found many older sisters in my ward were calling me for help for all their needs and it was overwhelming until about two years into the call I learned to simply say:  Ask your ministering sisters first and if they can’t help you call me back. I rarely got a call back because the diligent ministering sisters would help when they could or find help.  Our Compassionate Service Leader always goes to the ministering sisters first. Of course, there are some sisters that need more than a ministering companionship can handle. That’s when a plea goes out to the whole ward. Although technically you cannot assign more than one companionship to minister to a sister with many needs you can still make the assignment. Sometimes two sisters just can’t do all that is needed but four might be what is needed.

Delegate what you can and don’t micromanage

I am the kind of person who is careful when asking someone to do something time consuming when I know they work long hours or have lots of children. So when I was first called I just tried to do it all but I just couldn’t do it all. In fact, in my setting apart blessing I was warned to delegate so I wouldn’t get burned out.  Over the years I had 4 wonderful, capable, in-tune counselors and 3 amazing secretaries. When I asked them to do things they were like “Yes, Ma’am! I can do that!”  And you know what?  They did what they were asked in wonderful ways and probably better than I would have done it.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I hate to be micromanaged. I have ideas, I’m capable, I’ll get the job done.  So why do I tend to micromanage other people? Basically, I don’t trust them to do what they are supposed to do and do it well.  I learned to trust. People may not do things the way I would do them but they will do them and do them well.  That was big for me to let go.

House visits are imperative

When I was called to be the Relief Society President I had been in the ward since it was created. After 17 years I pretty much knew every active sister and a little about her. But I decided to visit every sister in her home. This was my favorite aspect of this calling. I felt like I could call or text any sister in the ward and ask if I could drop by in the next day or two to talk to her. Sometimes it was close to her birthday, or right after a baby was born, or when her family moved into the ward. Often I met a sister at my favorite taco place for a quick lunch and conversation. When the ward that shared our building was dissolved and pulled into our ward my counselors and I visited every new sister in her home (except for a few that didn’t let us).  What a wonderful experience that was!  When I was released this was the only thing I cried over — not feeling like I can call or text anyone and drop by. I know I could do it but it’s not in my nature to go to someone’s house without a reason.

On those visits I learned to listen to what she was saying and not saying. I learned to listen with my whole heart and mind and not be formulating my reply or trying to fix a problem. Just listen. I truly felt I knew each sister and the fears of her heart. I just loved them all!!

The other thing I learned about home visits is that FOOD GETS YOU IN THE DOOR!  These are my never-fail pumpkin muffins guaranteed to get you in any door.

Relief Society is not just a Sunday thing

Sometimes sisters in the ward view Relief Society as the time spent together on Sunday. But, it is so much more than that. It’s a sisterhood and unity that comes outside the walls of the Church. It’s serving together and serving each other. It’s inviting people into your home. It’s connecting often with the sisters you minister to. It’s loving and magnifying your current calling even when it takes you from the Sunday lesson. Now I teach CTR 6.  I love my little guys. They are little sponges soaking up the gospel. I love my co-teacher Ashley and her insight into the gospel and her love for the children. I don’t miss Relief Society because to me it’s so much more than the 100 minutes a month spent in the Relief Society room. Yes, that’s all the lesson time now with the two-hour block.

Many of your sisters will not be able to attend the RS lessons but need to know what’s happening. Figure out the best way(s) to communicate. We always and I mean always had a 1/2 sheet page of info we handed out every week. It went to Primary, Young Women, and nursery. That info was sent out via E-mail, and posted on Facebook and Instagram. Overkill? Maybe but no one could say they didn’t know what was going on.

One January my goal was to text less and make more phone calls. Yes, phone calls take a lot more time but there is nothing like personal contact. I still texted and emailed quite a lot but felt much more connected with phone calls and personal visits.

Have fun and serve together

D&C 38:23 says: I say unto you, be one, and if ye are not one, ye are not mine. Being close, caring for each other and being united is so important for sisters in the ward. You love those you serve and it seems you love each other even more when you serve together. Working side-by-side for a good cause gives sisters time to talk, really talk, and those conversations can be long and deep. Having fun is so important too. Our Relief Society activities always had an end goal in mind to strengthen the sisters and their families. But we sure had a lot of fun and laughs along the way!

Work closely with your bishop

When you serve closely with a bishop over a long period of time you will see how much time and emotions he puts into his calling. Yes, there are things that only a bishop can do but there are many ways you can help alleviate the burdens of your bishop. If I could free up his time I did. I learned to listen to and respect his counsel for the ward and for individuals. Sometimes in the short-term, I didn’t see how his plans would work but by following his direction the best outcome was achieved.

I worked with a sister who had been on church assistance for a long, long time. Way too long. Our bishop worked with her to come up with a plan to get off assistance. She hated our Bishop and let it be known. One day while driving her home from picking up a food order she was complaining about him and I had heard enough. I stopped her. Told her she was hurting her family and their testimonies every time she complained about the bishop and she needed to stop. She was silent for about 10 minutes (and she was never silent). Then she said she had been wrong. Later I learned she apologized to the bishop. Sometimes we just have to protect our bishop. In the last six months, this family has become self-sufficient. The first time they paid 100% of their rent they were so proud of themselves and rightly so. It took the inspiration of two good bishops to help it happen.

My bishop cautioned me about going into a specific home. I had been in that home dozens of times but I listened. Later we learned that one of the young men in the home had a serious drug problem which made him abusive. Listening to my bishop protected me.

Start every morning with prayer … How can I best spend my time today?

Every morning start with prayer. It may be on your knees or a conversation in your head while taking a shower or driving carpool but ask Heavenly Father what you need to do today, who you need to see, and who you need to help. I found many mornings I just knew who I was supposed to reach out to that day. While in the temple I received inspiration on sisters in my ward who needed to receive their endowments. Because I received that inspiration I knew it was possible when I approached the sisters about going. Both had a desire to go. It didn’t happen right away but it happened.

Sometimes the answers to prayers are not what you expect. Many sisters in the ward had helped a young mom going through a difficult pregnancy, myself included. One morning I was excited to head to her house to give the babies (yes, twins) baths. On the way over I got a distinct impression that I was not needed. The thought came through loud and clear: She’s a very capable woman and she can care for her family.

Our wards are full of good people

Service happens in my ward. Quiet service.  Brother and sisters helping out in myriad ways. I got a glimpse of the magnitude of service while serving as Relief Society President. I kind of felt “in the know”. But I don’t know how much service happened that no one in church leadership ever knew. Rides to appointments, bags of groceries left on porches, cars repaired, money loaned, tears dried, babies tended, teenagers mentored, lawn mowers repaired, names added to prayer lists, etc. Good people quietly serving others.

Many people serve in their callings with little notice. Women who love and teach our children every week. Women who unselfishly share their musical talents. Scouting people who serve our youth. The brother who is always in the foyer greeting people. The older brother who sets up the chapel and vacuums after church. The indexers who serve at home.  The person who prepares the Sunday bulletin. All these wonderful people make being a Relief Society President a little easier.

People have the agency to make their own choices

As a mother of teenagers and young adults, I learned that they have agency to make their own choices and to live with the repercussions. There is no such thing as free agency. There is always a blessing or consequence for actions even though it may not be immediately apparent. I had to relearn this concept as a Relief Society President, too. I witnessed the impact of wrong choices even years later when a sweet sister was righteously living the gospel but past choices continued to affect her life. I  saw too much sadness from wrong choices. Too often those choices affected the next generation and in many ways stole their agency to make good choices, too.

Several times I saw sisters progress to the point of being temple worthy (and having a signed temple recommend) only to make mistakes that took them back into inactivity in the church for a period of time. Then the repentance process would begin again. I saw how hard this was on their children and their spiritual progress. There are always consequences to our actions.

Getting sisters to the temple requires time and patience

We had two sweet sisters in our ward who had been members of the Church for 10+ and 20+ years who had not been to the temple. Both wanted to go and were worthy to go. I made it my “mission” to get both of them endowed. It took a lot longer than I ever thought it would. At first, they wanted to go together but their chosen date kept getting changed due to work schedules, weather, not wanting to travel at night, etc. Finally, Diane chose a date and we went. It took another 6 months for Roberta to go. Both love the temple!

Another new convert, Emma, wanted to perform baptisms. Again, it took much longer to make it happen but when it did it was a wonderful experience. We had no idea she was afraid of water until after she performed the 4 baptisms for family members.

Once your sisters go through the temple don’t forget to help them get there often. It seems we make this big push for baptism or attending the temple then we forget to follow up. These ordinances are just the beginning of their progression.

The Distribution Center offers 50% off on all ceremonial clothing for a first-time attendee. That doesn’t include garments but it still cuts the cost drastically.

You can only help so much. The rest is up to the sister.

There are sisters in my ward who live in poverty. They have always lived in poverty and they will always be poor. The ward council can only help so much. You can find a new washing machine or clean up their yard. Maybe you can locate a slightly nicer place to live. But there is only so much the Church can do to improve people’s living environment. Perhaps the sister is young enough to learn a skill or earn a certificate. So much is dependent on the sister and her desire to make a change.

I also learned that there are many government and private organizations out there that can help with basic needs such as housing vouchers, food, utilities, free mobile phone, discount cable TV, rides to appointments, child care, glasses, dentures, wheelchair accessible ramps, job training, literacy classes, etc. Some of these places will help immediately but others have a waitlist. Encourage your sisters to get on the waitlist even if they don’t have an immediate need. One sister waited over 18 months to get into senior housing. I encouraged all of our older sisters to sign up for several housing options so when the need comes they are approaching the top of the waitlist. Did they listen?

Families can get assistance with utilities. Maybe it won’t cover everything but I’ve seen checks for $250 that will make a big dent in a winter heating bill. Many sisters, especially those with disabilities, have a transportation option that charges $2-4 for a ride to an appointment or grocery shopping.  Here is a link for comprehensive services in the Charlotte area: Cardinal Innovations.

One thing I wish I had realized early in my calling is that sisters don’t need “little” gifts like candles, bath products, plants, etc.  Those things just clutter up a small living area. What they really need is gift cards to Wal-Mart! So instead of spending $10 on a few little things just give them a card and a gift card.  They can spend it on food or clothing.

If the phone rings at 7:45 am there’s a problem

I quickly learned to keep my Thursday mornings free for a recurring emergency. Our Bishop’s Storehouse delivers food to our stake center every other Thursday morning. If a family didn’t arrive to pick up their food I received a call asking what should be done. Should the food be returned or would someone pick it up? I knew that if the food was returned I would need to shop for and deliver food to the family in need which was time-consuming and expensive. Plan B was for the food to be left in the church’s kitchen where I’d pick it up later in the morning. Our stake center is about 40 minutes away and I don’t have a key so I’d arrive just as the Family History Center was opening to collect the food. Families in need of church assistance seldom have reliable transportation or funds for gas. I could have been really put-out but because I planned it into my day it was a nice surprise and I enjoyed a free morning when the phone didn’t ring.

You can’t fellowship in three hours a week (and now that’s two hours)

I don’t know how many times I said this in Ward Council: There just is not enough time during the three (now two) hour block to fellowship new members, new move-ins, anybody. Fellowshipping has to happen at other times. When I visited new sisters I always encouraged them to get involved. Come to Thursday night RS activities, attend the mid-week RS Education class, be a faithful visiting teacher/ministering sister, get involved. Ministering is so easy when you invite people to join your family in everyday activities. Invite people over for dinner, picnic at the playground, shopping, exploring, etc.

During a welfare session, a member of the bishopric brought up the fact that his wife felt lonely and isolated from the rest of the ward and implied that it was my fault. I stopped him immediately and made it plain that she chose not to attend RS activities, often sat in the car during Relief Society, didn’t join any of the mid-week groups, and rarely let her visiting teachers into her life.  Yes, they have a disabled child but everyone in the ward knows the situation and helps when they can. I am emphatic that for most of us we choose to be involved or we choose not to be involved.

The ward that shared the building with us was dissolved and pulled into our ward. We welcomed 20+ families into our ward in one week. Some of the families felt lost while others just jumped in and were happy. One family felt very lost and ward council rallied inviting them to activities in their homes and going out of their way to welcome them. They still felt lost. I don’t think fellowship was lacking. Other issues were happening such as a recent cross-country move, the husband returning to school leaving a hole in their family many nights, adjusting to new schools, and moving into a large ward.

This is a volunteer organization

Sisters are at all stages — busy moms with little time to give, young sisters just learning to serve, working women trying to do it all, and new people trying to fit in and find their niche. I wrote a lot of “thank you” and “words of encouragement” notes to the sisters in my ward. I wanted them to know I value their ideas, experiences, and time. I also had to respect the Priesthood, give them time to plan and act, and listen to their advice. My personality is “see a problem and fix it” so I really had to step back and let Ward Council come up with a plan then help implement it.  More often than I care to admit my husband said: Remember, this is a volunteer organization.  Thanks, sweetheart.

Sometimes it’s ok to say NO

Sometime along the way, I adopted No Relief Society Tuesdays policy. Sounds harsh but I didn’t answer phone calls, emails, or texts on Tuesdays. That was my day for doing things around the house, running personal errands, having lunch with my girls or husband, and sometimes just chilling with a new book. Sometimes I said no to baby showers, helping with wedding receptions, rides to doctor appointments, taking a meal, etc. I just couldn’t do any more than I was doing. When I was released I made a big “to do” list of all the things I neglected for over four years. 1. Clean out my attic, 2. Learn to make birdhouses, 3. Lose weight and exercise regularly, 4. Spend more time with my husband.

Remember the good times

Over the four years, I received a few texts and E-mails that I called hate mail. The first time this happened I cried. The second time I was ticked off. The third time I didn’t even bother to read past the first paragraph. I have a folder on my computer for hate mail. I asked a previous president if that happened to her and she said: Oh, yes, more than you can count. I decided if anyone could say mean things to her then something was wrong with them! I also have a folder of comments from sweet sisters who took time to thank me or comment on something they learned or impression they felt. The bottom drawer of my nightstand is also filled with hand-written notes from sisters. These notes help me remember the good times.

Sometimes you have to do hard things.

I can do hard things through Christ who strengthens me is our family motto. I’ve done hard things in my life: served a mission; watched my mother die a slow, painful death; raised teenage daughters; lived 2700 miles away from my family; and been a Relief Society president. Life is just full of difficult experiences.

After complaints by many sisters in the ward and talking to my bishop it became my duty to talk to two sisters in the ward about hygiene. Both were older, heavy women who needed to know they needed to bathe more often, wash their clothes, and probably use Depends. These two conversations were something I did not want to do. I asked their ministering sisters and they did not want to have the conversations either. I worried about it, prayed about it, worried about it more then finally received inspiration. I talked to one sister about “getting older, peeing when we laugh, and needing better hygiene”. At first, she didn’t believe she had an issue or needed to change. I was so fearful of hurting her feelings. But I was prompted by the Spirit to ask if she needed safety equipment installed around her shower to help make bathing easier. That’s just what she needed. The conversation with the other sister was very different. The new RSP brought Depends to her house, told her they were given to her by another sister and wondered if she wanted them. Talked a little about getting older and needing Depends. Problem solved.

Helping sisters pack up to move was hard especially when their homes were really filthy and pest-infested. I learned to really love two sisters in particular who were willing to literally get their hands dirty to help those in need.

Going through someone’s pantry and cupboards before preparing a food order is hard. Even harder when you’re looking through the kitchen of a stalwart family who is suffering through unemployment or disability.

Missing your friend on Mother’s Day because she just can’t be there when she’s not a mother or grandmother.

Watching a young sister cry on Mother’s Day because she can’t have a baby is hard. Holding her and letting her cry is hard. But oh the joy seeing her with her two little girls!

Helping a sister dress her mother for burial is hard. Saying good-bye even when you know you’ll see her again is hard.

Going to the funeral of a father and his 20-year-old daughter is hard.

Next to being a parent, it’s the hardest but most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. What have you learned?